Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
You Might Also Like
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.