*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Not today, today.
Not today.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.