Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
You Might Also Like
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing