Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE