BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.