BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
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I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Did I do this right
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering