If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
is it earth
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Milk Cube
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.