Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever