boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
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If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.