Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen