I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess