When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My patience has stretch marks.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS