Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
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My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
let’s discuss
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.