Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
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Breaking news:
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”