Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
A leaf blower, but for people.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.