Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
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One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”