Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*