BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
incredible book dedication
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.