BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.