BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never