boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?