Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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I hope it’s French Onion!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Spring cleaning checklist…
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”