when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Monday
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
what’s really going on