A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
ready to be harvested
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
repaired
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.