Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
When you’re here for the treats.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’