Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup