Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
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Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*