Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over