Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me: