Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Fidel Castro was alive?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Watermelon Boss!
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.