I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.