[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
A friend helps you before you need it
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
The government even made aliens boring
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
The point of your 20s
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals