@mdob11: Boss: Why weren't you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
@mikescollins: Just convinced my Mom she won't get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn't see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
@SassyChantelle: Stop correcting my vodkabulary
@rcromwell4: Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
@ArfMeasures: [the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can't
@mrtruthandsoul: Boss: You're not fired but we're taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.