Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*