@mdob11: Boss: Why weren't you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Oh nothing I'm just a nervous hummer
"Aw how cute!!"
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
@trashtastica: Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
@MilkshakeAnyone: Twitter is the world's largest voluntary police lineup.
@chrisdowning: Why do people say "get well soon"?
Why don't you want me to get well now?
@sageboggs: I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season