@mdob11: Boss: Why weren't you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
@KKAlThani: "So tell me what you want, what you really, really want" - a hilarious waiter taking a Spice Girl's order
@HuttonGray: "How much for this remote controlled alien?"
"Sir, that's Stephen Hawking."
@onion_an: Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn't lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
@squirrel74wkgn: [standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
@LizHackett: I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like "If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit."