Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
#NoRestForTheWicked
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock