boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
That stupid look on my face, is my face
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
For those that worship cheese..
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.