BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
who wants to go expliring
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
groan^2
Life cycle of cat
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.