Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
You Might Also Like
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I think I’ll stand
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.