I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?