Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.