Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
🌱🌱🌱
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool