Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
How software testing works
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]