Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Did…did a minotaur write this
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.