Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
You Might Also Like
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding