BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
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The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.