Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
This is me 🤣🤣
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?