Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you