Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
? 💀
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you