Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.