BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Trying
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…