BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Mistakes were made
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.