boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.